Monday, March 29, 2010

Filling in Time

I use to have a job. I don't have a job anymore. I lost it. If anyone has seen it, could you please return it to me. Actually scratch that. I don't want it back... Finders keepers!

I faced instant dismissal for tossing pebbles across a driveway into a metal waste paper basket. Harsh? I thought so, but there is and was nothing I could do about it. I was a casual employee, and if that is your current employment status, I urge you to search for a new job. Even if it means changing to a part time job at least you will have more rights than a casual.

Yesterday I was thinking that I have a lot of time on my hands these days, so I might turn all of this down time into something positive. I thought I need to stop wasting my days playing stupid flash games on the net, and watching hours of endless trashy TV provided by the magical Foxtel box. I need to do something constructive - even if its for my own sanity. So I started my blog. This is my second entry. I don't care if nobody but me reads it. That's not what I'm about. I'm not a look at me kind of person. Not with writing anyway. I've always had a way with words. I love them. I love manipulating them.

I'm thinking this will be a good platform to be able to vent all of the steam that is blocking up my brain. My head is just full of annoying little things. I need to clear them all out and make space for new stuff. But I want to save it all for posterity. So I can look back one day and think, Oh my God! What was I thinking back then? I was really messed up. I like to look upon it as Spring cleaning, but in Autumn. Perhaps I'm living in the wrong hemisphere?

So, this is me!

Why hello there! I didn't hear you come in! Come. Sit. Make yourself comfortable and I'll tell you a tale. Please ensure your seat is in the upright position, your tray is stowed and you have fastened your seat belt. This ride may get a little bumpy!

I have been told many times in my life that I am opinionated. I never knew weather or not it was a dis or a compliment. I'm still not sure. A thesaurus lists many synonyms for the word opinionated. Some of them include: adamant, assertive, biased, bigoted, bossy, cocky, conceited, dictatorial, inflexible, intransigent, obstinate, one-sided, overbearing, pigheaded, positive, pragmatic, prejudiced, self-assertive, set in stone, single-minded, stubborn, uncompromising and unyielding. All of these words, along many more describe a tiny piece of the whole package that is moi.

I was born under the Zodiac Sign of Aries. Well, actually, I was born on the cusp of Aries and Taurus, but apparently I display significantly more qualities of an Arian. This basically means that I am the most volatile and passionate of the Fire signs. I am also a mover and shaker, action oriented, expansive and like to take charge. I also share a birthday with good ol' Hitler and the ever charming Napoleon. Do these things explain why I'm opinionated? I'm not too sure. I may have to delve into this idea another time.

I am forever suffering from Foot in Mouth Syndrome -A symptom of being opinionated. I speak before I think. I guess I just call it as I see it. (Perhaps I should pursue a career as some sort of umpire or referee? - I'll tackle that one another day)

There was a time a few years back that comes to mind. I was out to dinner with 'The Girls'. Earlier that week there had been an horrific traffic accident that involved an overloaded car full of silly, young "invincible" punks. Long story short, the driver lost control of the car and it span out of control and eventually came to rest among some trees alongside the freeway. Page one of the next edition of the local news paper had a half page photograph of the aftermath of the accident. If I close my eyes I can still see it. A bright yellow wrecked VN Commodore, blackened in some places from the intense fireball that enveloped the car following the impact. It was the kind of picture that you look at, save a mental image of and reboot in your mind when you ever feel tempted to go 'just a little bit' faster than the allowed speed limit, in order to check yourself back into reality. In the photo I noticed something. Something very disturbing. In what remained of the back seat of the car you could quite clearly see a charred corpse of a n unfortunate passenger. I thought it was gross, but also an interesting thing to talk about at the dinner table. And for some silly reason I just 'had' to share my thoughts with the Girls then and there .
I recalled the details of this photograph to my friends just as the waitress brought our bill. Only to have her burst into tears, call me an insensitive bitch and storm off in hysterics. It turns out, those kids in that car were her friends. Naturally I felt really bad, but what could I do? My foot was already in my mouth and all I could do was try to pluck it out. I could never have known that she was connected to those kids. If she was still so clearly traumatised by the event, she should not have been waiting tables in some dodgy pub, but instead she should have been at home grieving with her other friends that had been left behind.

The point of the preceding story that started out to be a short tale and ended as a long epic was, that I have no control of the words that come from my mouth. I think I want to change that about myself. Not because I don't like who I am, I just think I can become a better version of me. I don't want to be completely uncritical of the world around me, I just want to awaken the part of my brain that filters and controls my breath being formed into audible words secreting from my lips. Opinionated Little Miss Version 2.0 here I come.

Stay tuned for the next episode...