I've been friends with a guy for just over three years now. Occasionally we fuck, we mostly chat and we hang out, drink beer and that's about it. We have both been hurt in past relationships, which I think makes us very wary of future relationships. We've both been lied to, I've been cheated on and I'm pretty sure it has given me trust issues.
When we chat he asks me questions. Random questions. Last time he kicked off question time with "Are you looking/waiting for a partner to come along or, are you deliberately planning to be a spinster indefinitely?" As if anybody sets out in life to become a lonely old spinster! I told him that I'm not actively searching for a partner and I'm definitely not planning on turning into a spinster, but I am preparing myself for that option if that's what life has in store for me. I'd love to meet a nice guy that I can trust, develop a relationship with and maybe fall in love again. Afterall, that's what life is about isn't it?
He seemed to accept my response and moved onto his next question. "How is love measured?" How the fuck would I know?! The only person I have ever loved and has ever said they loved me ended up stomping on, setting on fire then pissing on what ever love we had. Love is not my strong suit. I don't think I know or have experienced enough love to be able to comment on the subject.
I enquired as to why he was so interested in love that day. He told me that it wasn't that day and that it was an ongoing investigation. I asked him if he was seeking love and he replied that he was currently on a journey for knowledge about love for now. We discovered that love is a mixture of many different emotions, that involved positives and negatives which include loss and that having loved and lost, we've learnt to be a bit more cautious with the whole love thing.
We agreed that trust is a huge part of love and that before being able to fall into love you must trust one another, otherwise it's just lust. There is no way you can build a strong, loving relationship without trust, it's a keystone of sorts.
I found a quote online "Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us.
When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand
it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused." It seems to fit what we had been discussing.
Since having my heart crushed I actively decided it would be emotionally easier (and safer) to never love again. I haven't thought about love since. I put it out of my mind and focused on healing my broken heart and pretty much having emotionless sex with dudes I know I'd never fall in love with.
It's now that I find myself wondering if I could fall in love with him. I trust him and value his opinions, he seems to value my opinions too. Maybe we are supposed to just friend zone each other. Oh who the fuck knows! My head hurts!
