Inappropriate Day to Propose

I don't know why I'm cut but I am. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. Maybe it's because I believe I should be happier than him after the way things ended between us.

Six years ago today I discovered my now ex, then current English boyfriend had been cheating on me. I was 10,000 miles away from home. My best friends and family were a 24 hour plane ride away. I had never felt so heartbroken and alone all at the same time. Let me start back at the start so the point of this story clicks into place.

Initially we were friends whilst completing training and working at Melbourne Airport but a relationship soon blossomed. We were inseparable. We pretty much spent every minute of every day together until his 12 month working holiday visa was to expire. He wanted to be back home in England to celebrate his 30th Birthday. Our temporary contracts at the airport had wound up so we made the most of what little time we had left together. 

The day had come that we had to say goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. He had packed his things the night before and I drove him to the airport in the morning where it had all begun. He checked in and we hung out at the plane station until it was time for him to wander off through those big, grey doors. My heart sank. My eyes welled up and I ran back to my car bawling. I couldn't breathe let alone drive. I sat and smoked a few cigarettes in a vain attempt to compose myself.

My mobile beeped alerting me to a received text message from him. From what I can remember he just wanted to let me know how much he appreciated me being a good friend and telling me how much of an awesome chick I was. It was the last three tiny words that floored me. I LOVE YOU. Nobody besides my family and friends had ever verbalised that sentence to me before. I immediately called him and told him that I loved him too. It was soon time for him to board the plane and then he was gone.

 When he got back to the UK we spoke on the phone each day. During in one of our marathon phone calls he suggested that I move to England for a year. I looked into visas the next day and saw that I was eligible for an Ancestry visa. I got a passport and visa and got my ass on the plane as fast as I could!

After being on opposite sides of the world for four months we were reunited at Heathrow. I was drunk/hung over, wearing pyjamas and hadn't showered in a day. I must have looked a right mess but he still met me with open arms and a big kiss.

We drove back to his family home in a beautiful little village in the English countryside where I met his Mum and Dad. They were so sweet, loving and open to me from the moment I stepped foot into their house. 

 I got a job at a local pub and met some really lovely, life-long friends. He was working long strange 24/7 rotating shift hours. About a year into my stay in England I discovered that he had a profile on a dating website. I was horrified. I confronted him about it but somehow he managed to make me believe that it was an old profile that he had on there and that he just had just forgotten about it and promised to delete it - which he did that night after work.

Things went back to normal between us and we carried on with our busy lives. A few months later, I noticed his behaviour changing. His shift times remained the same but he was coming home later from work. I was a tad suspicious but I gave him the benefit of the doubt until one morning after seeing him out the door to work I went back to our room and noticed some torn up pieces of paper on the floor next to the bin. I picked them up to throw them away when I noticed some interesting and heart breaking words on the scraps of paper.

After I taped it back together, the handwritten note read: "What we did was wrong. I have somebody who loves me. She deserves better. I got greedy, I wanted someone as beautiful and as intelligent as you in my life. The last thing you need now is me, even if that's what I want. I'm going to break up with The Opinionated Little Miss. I will be going to Oz with her for her B'day, I owe it to her. But when I come home it will be over." I immediately texted his lying, cheating ass and told him that I knew he had cheated on and that he needed to get home ASAP.

He managed to get out of his shift a few hours later. He was white as a ghost and very sheepish when he walked in the door. I told him what a piece of shit I thought he was and that it would at his expense to change my flight back to Oz booked for April to be changed to the next available. I didn't want to be anywhere near him and I most certainly did not want to have to share a bed with the cunt that cheated on me for the next two months.

This all happened on the 10th of February 2007. Six years ago today. Today he is in Paris with his latest girlfriend.  He proposed to her. She is now his third fiancée. I wonder if she knows what kind of a dishonest, cheating douchebag he really is? Good luck lady. You'll need it! Just remember Sweetie, I got three diamonds, you only got one ;)

Naughty Mr X

Oh Mr X. Why after all of this time do you still have my number tucked away in your phone?

I know you’re gorgeous and keen to meet up again. But seriously Dude. You have a wife and not one but two kids now. I think it’s time you delete my number and go home to be a good Dad and decent Husband.

Who propositions a girl by saying “Busy? Gotta kill 40 mins?”? Seriously! I’ve not spoken to you in over a year and that’s the best thing that you could think of? Thank goodness he can’t remember how to get to my house. I don’t know what I would have done if he had just rocked up at my doorstep unannounced!

I advised him that I didn’t think that it was such a good idea for him to pop in, his response? “Why? Don’t you trust yourself to just say hi?” I reminded him to the fact that we had never met up just to say hi. Meeting up to say hi to this guy always ended up with his dick up my arse. And while I always enjoyed it, it’s two days out from Christmas. Its 38 degrees outside today, I’m hot, grumpy and need a cold beer. I don’t need Mr X to drop in to be Prince Charming, mumble some awkward small talk and then expect for me to either give him a hummer or let him bone me up the ass!

I reminded him to the fact that last time we spoke I told him it was not going to happen again until he arrives at my door with signed divorce papers. It was a little bit of fun when he had a girlfriend, a tad more exciting after he was engaged and a super huge turn-on after he was married. But now that he’s a Dad, he seems to have lost his sparkle.

I told him to go home, put the kids to bed. Cook his wife dinner and bang her til she begs him to stop. He confessed that now that they have two kids, she’s not interested in sex and is always too tired and never in the mood. And here I am thinking that getting married means you have sex on tap? If this is the case, I never want to get married! I love orgasms way too much to give them up for a marriage certificate and two screaming kids!

He continued pushing me until finally I asked him how he would feel if one day down the track he found out that the libidoless wife had been banging the next door neighbour like a dunny door. I asked him to put himself in her shoes. Was coming over to say ‘Hi’ to me worth the potential heartache to his wife and kids? Just like that he got it. Married guys with two kids need to keep their cocks in their pants.

It was nice knowing you Mr X, but these days your trophy is slightly tarnished and now pushed to the back row of my collection.

We’ll always have the memories x

Fifty Shades of Fucked Up...

Recently, quite a few of my male friends on Faceboook, had been posting how awesome Fifty Shades of Grey was because it meant they were getting laid a hundred times more than usual by their respective wives and girlfriends. Like so many chicks around the world, I have caved in and started reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.  I saw all three books on sale for ten bucks a piece so I threw them in my basket and headed to the check-out.

It took me a couple of days to to summon the strength to crack the cover on Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm not much of a reader. I have the attention span of a goldfish and my  short term memory is shot. I have a tendancy to read a few pages, put books down, forget about them and have to start all over again a few days later. I picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and read the first three chapters and still could not see what all the fuss was about. I put the book down and moved onto my Delicious magazine to feed my food porn addiction.

The next day at work I began talking to the girl at the desk next to me about the book. She told me not to give up on it and that the juicy stuff starts in chapter 8. That night after work, I again picked up the book and began reading. The chapters went by... Murmur this, mutter that. Boring! Man, this EL James lady really needs a thesaurus!

As soon as I got to to chapter seven where Ana is introduced to The Playroom, the book had my attention. I have always wanted to set up a play room in my house. A room set aside purely for sex. Filthy, dirty, hard sex.

Chapter after chapter went by and before I knew it I had powered through the 514 pages. I can't remember the last time I finished a whole book from cover to cover. I can't say that it is a particularly well written book. In parts I actually started editing as I took each page in. But there was just something about the way the characters work together and how their story unfolds that got me hooked. A modern take on Cinderella if you will.

It did however, make me realise that I'm not quite done with kinky fuckery. I thought I had it out of my system, but clearly I have not! Doesn't every girl like having her ass spanked and he hair pulled? No!? Must just be me then! And just last week I ordered a book from the work book box titled "Knots: Step by step" to further my lust for rope.

Having a part-time-special-friend, that lives a 100 km round trip away from me, got me thinking that I need to find my own Melbourne version of Christian Grey. He doesn't need to  have a ripped bod, his own private jet or earn $100,000 and hour. The only thing he needs is a desire to fuck. A desire to fuck me hard and often. That's not too much to ask for is it?

Bad Day...

What a super cunt ball of a day - Cold, wet & miserable weather, slashed fucking tyre from shit in the gutter, flat cunt hole battery and hypothermia from trying to rectify aforementioned fuck ups of the day and to top it all off, I have to suffer through yet another fucking Mother's Day with a dead mother with Mother's Day propaganda shoved down my throat everywhere I turn! >:|

Dear day, just fuck off already! I've had enough!

That awkward moment ...

...when your new lover tells you he loves cock just as much as you!

So, I've been seeing a new fella since November last year. He's lovely. He's about 6'7", has dark hair and green eyes - I think. Who looks at eye color in the heat of the moment?

I met him online and we hit it off straight away. We both love to cook and to drink beer!

I was chatting to him online about a month after we first met. We were sharing sex stories and thought it necessary to let me know that he was once in a relationship with a dude.

I didn't know what to say. I think I said something lame along the lines of Ahh, cool. :|

What is the correct response to such a bombshell? So, you like to fuck dudes? Um, that's... Nice.

He told me the relationship was only fleeting and lasted six months or so and that he had not been in contact with the guy for over a year.

I brushed it off and thought, oh well, he likes pussy again now - My pussy.

Around three months ago he told me that the other dude got back in contact with hm and wanted to meet up. He asked if I was OK with this. I was put on the spot and said - I don't own you Man! Do what you like!

So he did. He met up with his old lover and thought it necessary to fill me in on the details. That made me a bit squirmy. I don't care who you fuck, I'm not your wife. Just be safe and spare me of the gory details.

In short, the new dude I've been screwing loves cock just as much as me. Awkward!

I need a dollar, dollar. A dollar is what I need...

I wish I had not spent my last pineapple on the weekend. I'm hungry and want to go to the supermarket. How is one meant to survive living below the poverty line? Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard but died of malnutrition on the way... :'(

10 Reasons To Keep Your Cat Indoors At Night...

#10 - You won't have to bail your pussy out from the pound

#9 - Grumpy neighbours will be less grouchy towards your precious puss

#8 - Native nocturnal wildlife will feel safe to roam freely and forage for food, in an environment free from feline stalkers

#7 - You won't be worried at night pondering where your cat is and what it's doing

#6 - It's less likely that your cat will pick up nasty diseases, such as Feline Immunodeficiency Virus (Cat AIDS)

#5 - It's also less likely that your cat will pick up parasites such as fleas and ticks

#4 - Puss in Boots will more than likely live a longer life as an indoor cat

#3 - Your cat may be killed or injured during punch-ons with other cats, dogs or foxes

#2 - Your pampered pussy might get disoriented or lost on nocturnal stalking missions of the neighbourhood. Let's face it; cats are nowhere near as smart as dogs

And the number one reason for keeping your stupid cat indoors at night... *Drumroll*

#1 - I really don't like picking fluff and blood out of the grille of my car.

You bastard of an animal! You were black. It was night. You ran in front of my car. I couldn't stop. Now you're dead.

People, keep your cats indoors at night.