How you ruined me...

Just so that you know and don’t get a big head; I am over you. I have been for a long time. What I’m not over is the fact that you destroyed me and my ability to ever fully trust another man again. 

You were my very first serious relationship. 

I hate that you broke my heart the way that you did. I hate that you did it whilst I was so far from home. I was lucky that I had made such good friends and support group in England. You’re lucky I didn’t punch your fucking lights out.

I hate that you continued lying to my face, even after I had busted you cheating on me. I hate that the whore that you cheated on me with rubbed it in my face. I hate that you didn’t try to stop her. I hate that you went running off to her the night I busted you.

I love that your Mum and Dad took my side and thought of you as a monster.

I hate myself for accepting your pathetic apology and agreeing to get back together. I hate myself for saying yes when you proposed. I hate that you broke up with me in a text message from the other side of the world 5 months later after not hearing from you for nearly 3 weeks.

I hate that you got back to your life as normal, with not a care in the world. I hate that you are up to fiancé number three. I hate that you’re both coming to Australia. It’s not big enough for the three of us.

I hate the way you make me feel about guys. I wish I could get close to feeling about someone else the way I once felt about you. I wish I had never met you. 

I hate that I have trust issues. Not only do I not trust men, I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to let go and to fall in love again. When I get close, I shut my feelings out. I never want to feel the way you made me feel. I am broken and you broke me.