Naughty Mr X

Oh Mr X. Why after all of this time do you still have my number tucked away in your phone?

I know you’re gorgeous and keen to meet up again. But seriously Dude. You have a wife and not one but two kids now. I think it’s time you delete my number and go home to be a good Dad and decent Husband.

Who propositions a girl by saying “Busy? Gotta kill 40 mins?”? Seriously! I’ve not spoken to you in over a year and that’s the best thing that you could think of? Thank goodness he can’t remember how to get to my house. I don’t know what I would have done if he had just rocked up at my doorstep unannounced!

I advised him that I didn’t think that it was such a good idea for him to pop in, his response? “Why? Don’t you trust yourself to just say hi?” I reminded him to the fact that we had never met up just to say hi. Meeting up to say hi to this guy always ended up with his dick up my arse. And while I always enjoyed it, it’s two days out from Christmas. Its 38 degrees outside today, I’m hot, grumpy and need a cold beer. I don’t need Mr X to drop in to be Prince Charming, mumble some awkward small talk and then expect for me to either give him a hummer or let him bone me up the ass!

I reminded him to the fact that last time we spoke I told him it was not going to happen again until he arrives at my door with signed divorce papers. It was a little bit of fun when he had a girlfriend, a tad more exciting after he was engaged and a super huge turn-on after he was married. But now that he’s a Dad, he seems to have lost his sparkle.

I told him to go home, put the kids to bed. Cook his wife dinner and bang her til she begs him to stop. He confessed that now that they have two kids, she’s not interested in sex and is always too tired and never in the mood. And here I am thinking that getting married means you have sex on tap? If this is the case, I never want to get married! I love orgasms way too much to give them up for a marriage certificate and two screaming kids!

He continued pushing me until finally I asked him how he would feel if one day down the track he found out that the libidoless wife had been banging the next door neighbour like a dunny door. I asked him to put himself in her shoes. Was coming over to say ‘Hi’ to me worth the potential heartache to his wife and kids? Just like that he got it. Married guys with two kids need to keep their cocks in their pants.

It was nice knowing you Mr X, but these days your trophy is slightly tarnished and now pushed to the back row of my collection.

We’ll always have the memories x

Fifty Shades of Fucked Up...

Recently, quite a few of my male friends on Faceboook, had been posting how awesome Fifty Shades of Grey was because it meant they were getting laid a hundred times more than usual by their respective wives and girlfriends. Like so many chicks around the world, I have caved in and started reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.  I saw all three books on sale for ten bucks a piece so I threw them in my basket and headed to the check-out.

It took me a couple of days to to summon the strength to crack the cover on Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm not much of a reader. I have the attention span of a goldfish and my  short term memory is shot. I have a tendancy to read a few pages, put books down, forget about them and have to start all over again a few days later. I picked up Fifty Shades of Grey and read the first three chapters and still could not see what all the fuss was about. I put the book down and moved onto my Delicious magazine to feed my food porn addiction.

The next day at work I began talking to the girl at the desk next to me about the book. She told me not to give up on it and that the juicy stuff starts in chapter 8. That night after work, I again picked up the book and began reading. The chapters went by... Murmur this, mutter that. Boring! Man, this EL James lady really needs a thesaurus!

As soon as I got to to chapter seven where Ana is introduced to The Playroom, the book had my attention. I have always wanted to set up a play room in my house. A room set aside purely for sex. Filthy, dirty, hard sex.

Chapter after chapter went by and before I knew it I had powered through the 514 pages. I can't remember the last time I finished a whole book from cover to cover. I can't say that it is a particularly well written book. In parts I actually started editing as I took each page in. But there was just something about the way the characters work together and how their story unfolds that got me hooked. A modern take on Cinderella if you will.

It did however, make me realise that I'm not quite done with kinky fuckery. I thought I had it out of my system, but clearly I have not! Doesn't every girl like having her ass spanked and he hair pulled? No!? Must just be me then! And just last week I ordered a book from the work book box titled "Knots: Step by step" to further my lust for rope.

Having a part-time-special-friend, that lives a 100 km round trip away from me, got me thinking that I need to find my own Melbourne version of Christian Grey. He doesn't need to  have a ripped bod, his own private jet or earn $100,000 and hour. The only thing he needs is a desire to fuck. A desire to fuck me hard and often. That's not too much to ask for is it?

Bad Day...

What a super cunt ball of a day - Cold, wet & miserable weather, slashed fucking tyre from shit in the gutter, flat cunt hole battery and hypothermia from trying to rectify aforementioned fuck ups of the day and to top it all off, I have to suffer through yet another fucking Mother's Day with a dead mother with Mother's Day propaganda shoved down my throat everywhere I turn! >:|

Dear day, just fuck off already! I've had enough!

That awkward moment ...

...when your new lover tells you he loves cock just as much as you!

So, I've been seeing a new fella since November last year. He's lovely. He's about 6'7", has dark hair and green eyes - I think. Who looks at eye color in the heat of the moment?

I met him online and we hit it off straight away. We both love to cook and to drink beer!

I was chatting to him online about a month after we first met. We were sharing sex stories and thought it necessary to let me know that he was once in a relationship with a dude.

I didn't know what to say. I think I said something lame along the lines of Ahh, cool. :|

What is the correct response to such a bombshell? So, you like to fuck dudes? Um, that's... Nice.

He told me the relationship was only fleeting and lasted six months or so and that he had not been in contact with the guy for over a year.

I brushed it off and thought, oh well, he likes pussy again now - My pussy.

Around three months ago he told me that the other dude got back in contact with hm and wanted to meet up. He asked if I was OK with this. I was put on the spot and said - I don't own you Man! Do what you like!

So he did. He met up with his old lover and thought it necessary to fill me in on the details. That made me a bit squirmy. I don't care who you fuck, I'm not your wife. Just be safe and spare me of the gory details.

In short, the new dude I've been screwing loves cock just as much as me. Awkward!

I need a dollar, dollar. A dollar is what I need...

I wish I had not spent my last pineapple on the weekend. I'm hungry and want to go to the supermarket. How is one meant to survive living below the poverty line? Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard but died of malnutrition on the way... :'(

10 Reasons To Keep Your Cat Indoors At Night...

#10 - You won't have to bail your pussy out from the pound

#9 - Grumpy neighbours will be less grouchy towards your precious puss

#8 - Native nocturnal wildlife will feel safe to roam freely and forage for food, in an environment free from feline stalkers

#7 - You won't be worried at night pondering where your cat is and what it's doing

#6 - It's less likely that your cat will pick up nasty diseases, such as Feline Immunodeficiency Virus (Cat AIDS)

#5 - It's also less likely that your cat will pick up parasites such as fleas and ticks

#4 - Puss in Boots will more than likely live a longer life as an indoor cat

#3 - Your cat may be killed or injured during punch-ons with other cats, dogs or foxes

#2 - Your pampered pussy might get disoriented or lost on nocturnal stalking missions of the neighbourhood. Let's face it; cats are nowhere near as smart as dogs

And the number one reason for keeping your stupid cat indoors at night... *Drumroll*

#1 - I really don't like picking fluff and blood out of the grille of my car.

You bastard of an animal! You were black. It was night. You ran in front of my car. I couldn't stop. Now you're dead.

People, keep your cats indoors at night.

PETA advert...

Peta, what were you thinking? BWVAKTBOOM? Boyfriend Went Vegan And Knocked The Bottom Out Of Me! Oh sweet baby Jebus!

I'm not sure if the dirty perve in me loves this ad and makes me want to rush out and find a vegan boyfriend or, if the feminist inside me wants to go out and kill puppies beacuse of this ad.

What do you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0vQOnHW0Kc

Apple Inc. Not so bad after all?

I hate Apple Inc. There I said it. Again. Though I don't know why I hate them as much as I do. It was pointed out to me a few weeks ago, that I had an unfounded hatred of the global corporation. I think I hate them because they are trying to monopolise the market. Just like Telstra do with the telecommunications industry. I guess I'm a fan of the under dog and I love it when the "Little Guy" wins big.

Any who, way back on the 16th of November 2011, my seven year old, First Generation iPod Nano showed the sad/dead iPod icon. I was distraught. I don't know all that much about technology or how to fix dead electronic devices. Hell, I don't even have iTunes on my laptop! I use a friend's iTunes, mainly because he has a better music collection than me!

I Googled searched - Sad iPod Nano. A long list of devastatingly complicated fixes came up. I couldn't make heads nor tails of what to do to fix my iPod. Until I stumbled across a news article from theprevious day stating that Apple had initiated a world-wide recall of First Generation iPod Nanos. The recall was due to faulty batteries, that had been installed in the devices that overheat and can, on occasion catch fire.

I did the right thing and contacted the Apple support department via telephone. I gave the foreign dude on the other end of the line the serial number of my dead Pod. Yep, sure enough I had one of the effected devices. BINGO! I was advised that Apple would replace my defective Nano by sending me a replacement device and I was told to return my faulty device once the new one had arrived. I was rapt! I was advised that it would take between four to six weeks for the new iPod to arrive, so I eagerly watched the mailbox and waited for my new iPod.

Six weeks went by and nothing. No new iPod had been delivered. I got angry. I called the service department again. The second foreign fellow that I spoke to advised me that my order was still being processed and as there had been a huge response to the recall that it may take a further four to six weeks for the replacement device to arrive. I was frustrated but satisfied with the response I was given. So back to waiting it was!

I do not have a very patient demeanour. It's a Gen Y trait that I'm not proud of. I want it and I want it NOW! After a further five weeks of waiting, making it a total of 11 weeks, I called the service department once more and yet again, I spoke to a third foreign fellow. I gave him the serial number of my dead iPod and low and behold he could not find it in the system! Something inside me snapped. The fella politely asked me if I would mind being placed on hold and took my contact number in case the call was accidentally terminated whilst he was looking into my query. I obliged and was happy to sit on hold and wait for this situation to be fixed. I mean, I don't have a job right now,so what else have I got to do besides sit by idly and listen to crappy hold music.

39 minutes later the fellow came to back to me. He informed me that the information I was given on both of my previous calls was incorrect and that I would have to start the whole process again! I reiterated that I had called twice, waited 11 weeks and now I had to go back to square one? I was told yes. Lucky for me, whilst I was on hold I had a feeling that I was going to have to start all over again, so I went onto the Apple website and created an Apple ID and logged the serial number of my faulty device. I was then given a postage paid label to print out and use to send my shitPod back to Appple. I bid farewell to the fella on the phone and commended him for such great service.

I printed my label and went to the post office to send back my piece of shit, fucked iPod. The lady behind the counter gave me a box and bubble wrap. I wrapped up the iPod, slammed it into the box, taped it shut and stuck the label on the front. I kissed the package and whispered "God's speed little iPod. God's speed". I handed back to the post office lady and left.

Two weeks later I received a confirmation email stating that my iPod had made it's way to Apple and would be sent off for diagnosis. It sounded serious. But I was just pleased that the ball was finally rolling.

Which brings us to today...17th February 2012. One hundred and three days after my initial contact I opened my inbox to an email from Apple. It read:

" Dear Kelly,

Your service request has been completed and your IPOD NANO shipped on 16.02.2012.

Shipping address:

XX XXXX STREET

ALTONA, VICTORIA 3018

AUSTRALIA

Your product shipped via Australia Post with tracking number xxxxxxxxx, which should be active within 24 hours at www.auspost.com.au/track. Please allow two to three business days for delivery. Note that shipments to remote regions may take up to five business days for delivery.

Serial Number of Original Product: xxxxxxxxxxx

Serial Number of Replacement Product: xxxxxxxxxxxx

Please retain this email as a record that your product's serial number has changed as a result of this service request.

Repair ID: xxxxxxxxx"

Woo hoo! Today I'm not hating on Apple as much as I use to! They are replacing my 7 year old, 2GB, fucked, first generation iPod nano with a brand spanking new, 6th Generation, 8GB, touch screen nano. That will teach them for using faulty batteries from Japan that cause the first gens to overheat and burst into flames in people's pockets!

Though, the proof will be in the pudding. Let's see what happens in two to three business days. The cynic inside me tells me that something else will go wrong!

I heart you Mr Goggle

I hate...

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big, dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh — Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around. And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you — Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Katarina - 10 Things I hate about you

Dear universe...

Please help me land a job this week. I need to start planning my 30th Birthday party, and I simply cannot do it with no money.

Many thanks in advance,

The Opinionated Little Miss x

Good Morning World!

o_O

As if the pending 30th Birthday was not starting to make me feel a tad 'mature', the young fella at the Fish & Chip shop casually asks "Are you GiGi's Mum?"

If I was her Mum I would have been the sluttiest 10 year old going to have spat out a sproglett that young!

FML